Romance is going good, getting better, almost the best… FRIEND ZONED!

Ah the friend zone.  It is an huge area of the universe that has become increasingly and far too well known by people in the last several generations.  As two people engage in courtship it is well known that there are multitudes of reasons the love they are trying to harvest can end up not blossoming.  Nowadays though the giant glowing eject button from such a lover’s attempt has become all too enticing.  It is said that the newest model of said button comes with a device built in which pre-filters out for your non-listening pleasure everything important your partner says to you months before you actually decide to hit it and quit it. Truly, what a glorious age we live in.

One argument for relegating your once beloved to the zone of ‘never needing to believe they actually existed’ goes like this: we all believe we have things we need to do before we decide to settle down.  This statement can be actually true and well-founded. However true or untrue this belief might be, it always ends up seeming like nothing more than cheap cop-out of the courting process. Why, you ask? Who knows why, but here is an example to help illustrate how it probably feels to be told by the one you love that they don’t want to be with you anymore because they have underwater knitting skills which require improving.

Imagine yourself as a dog with the best owner in the world. Your are love love loved by your precious owner, nearly to death. Wait a moment there pal. They do love you to death? Oh how sweet! You just became so loved that you were smothered unknowingly, and who knows maybe it was done knowingly. Oops! Their bad! If you do ever end up as the one being dumped for the reason that your owner had ‘things to do’ before committing to owning and taking care of a dog then you, the satisfied with the relationship-lover,  will end up feeling just like a smothered by one harmless hug dog. You were in the middle of rejoicing and were glad to be with the person of your dreams, getting to share something which you thought was entirely unique and special to this plane of existence when suddenly, what is that? Oh but they just hugged you one time a little too tight on purpose, perhaps on a whim and ended up slaughtering you. Yup. You’re irrevocably dead to them now and your owner might honestly be fine with that.

Now place yourself in the position of the dog owner and this time, being the owner, you are the one still satisfied in the relationship.  Your puppy is the cutest and most precious thing in the whole wide world! Yes he or she is! Your dog is irreplaceable and convincingly the best dog that anyone has ever owned, ever.  Say you also own this certain wool sweater that just happens to be your favorite article of clothing.  The garment matches your eyes, is slimming, fits just right and is probably just so darn comfortable.

You haven’t been a pet owner for long when one day you decide to pull on your beloved sweater and take your canine for a walk.  You’re walking and walking, walking some more.  What a lovely day to be alive and strutting your stuff, looking so fly alongside your new companion! At the end of the walk you have returned home and your four legged friend runs up to you from across the room, straight for your embrace as you hug each other and revel in your friendship.  Something is not right.  Your dog just went limp and quickly stopped breathing.  Carrying him to the car you take him or her to the vet but it is already too late.  The veterinarian’s best guess to your dog’s demise was that they had a deadly allergic reaction to the wool your sweater is made out of.

HOW WERE YOU SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT YOUR FAVORITE SHIRT WAS GOING TO KILL YOUR DOG!?  The simple answer is that there is no way you could have known that.  One long and complicated answer to that same question is that in a multiverse where every possible outcome of every situation is played out, the universe you exist in happens to be the one where your favorite piece of clothing turned out to be a murder weapon that killed your dog.  LUCKY YOU!!!

Getting away from puppy & and owner parallels to relationships ending, it really does seem the generations born in the last few decades have become increasingly adept at friend-zoning potential life-mates.  Whether or not the world is intentionally teaching the valuable social skill of ‘how to friend-zone’ to people today is a question to be answered another day. So far what is certain is just how badly it sucks to be a dog that got killed by a sweater.


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