An ex- lover always ends up fulfilling an essential matchmaking and society building role. Sometimes the person who has done the dumping might appear immediately afterward to ‘strike gold’ and find someone new to love. During peoples time on earth there are several monumental events that help reinforce the idea that they have really done something with their lives. These accomplishments help people define who they are. Someone could graduate, fulfill hours in an training program for their career, have a baby, move away from parents, etc.
Perhaps the most important of all such events comes when that special someone is found whom they commit to. Both those people then begin giving their best to make things work out for the rest of their lives together. These special circumstances beg a humble question. If there is an ex-lover who got left behind in order for a new relationship to bloom, how is the left behind person supposed to feel? Who knows, but here are some suggestions.
Don’t struggle too much with not knowing how to feel. It is going to be a struggle, one that could well end up as the roughest and topsy-turviest emotional roller coaster you’ve ever stepped on to alone in your life. And you are alone on this ride. People will always attempt to help maneuver the controls of the attraction along the way since it is human nature to want to reach out and make someone feel better. Your friends, family members, well meaning acquaintances and hopefully also a higher power or maybe something deep within yourself is going to end up pushing you beyond your known limits during this trip. Know that none of the advice given or experiences shared must soothe your agitated mind and upset stomach. They may end up easing some pressure but if they don’t fully soothe the pain, things will still be alright. You are yourself, your own person. Knowing that billions upon a billion times a billion humans will go through extremely similar love problems before and then after you doesn’t mean any one of those people is going to have your same experience. All those people will just end up grasping at similar straws.
Once you feel like you’ve exited the thrill ride your legs are going to be weak for a time. The length and intensity of this period of time can depend on a lot of different things. Say you were with someone only a few months yet from the moment you first laid eyes on them you knew you wanted to be with them, that you would do anything to keep them in your life. If such a courtship ends abruptly and for no fully explained reason, it ends up feeling like being put in a sack while you were dead asleep, getting thrown on a roller coaster, going through the whole ride, getting tossed once again but off the roller coaster this time and then being left to fight your way out of the sack. Were you ever on a real ride? Do you even feel sick or was everything just imagined and all too intense to be real? Maybe your legs are going to fail you and cause you to stumble after the experience, and that likely won’t happen when you expect it to.
Given another scenario you end up with someone for a very long time. You could find yourself being with someone for years. There is no way that anything could go wrong because everything is guaranteed. You have just purchased two tickets to ride that special amusement thrill which you have been looking forward to since you were a child. CHA-CHING! You lucky dog you! Entering the awaited ride after courting the person aboard before you, naturally you secure that your special someone is comfortable and kept at ease. After all is said and done, their health and safety comes light years before even a second thought about yourself. This is going to be the long haul and you can hardly wait.
The ride begins and the chains click slowly as you’re dragged to the top of the first drop off. It’s not the biggest drop nor is what comes after the sharpest turn, but anticipating soaking up all those excitements with the person sitting next to you sounds amazing. As you nervously glance toward your beloved, they have the biggest smile on their face which you have ever witnessed. They are overjoyed, but you feel a strange premonition. Your stomach then begins to clench as the darting thought runs through your brain, “Are they excited this time has finally come, or to have it finally be over with?”
At the top of the first hill there is no moment for a second thought. You both succumb to gravity. You’re dropping and dropping and dropping, then looping and weaving. You go through several dark tunnels and you don’t know what occurred in any of them. Defying the laws of physics your cart has kept enough momentum along the beginning stretch of track to careen you upward, even higher upward to the tallest pinnacle on your much anticipated adventure. You may have never reached such heights in your life.
If you had thought to look over to your partner at that moment, they probably didn’t even have a face. They probably scrubbed it off with an eraser a long LONG time before you noticed their features had become unchanging and unreal. There was no eject button to launch you from this ride when you started out. There certainly wasn’t one installed in your seat so whatever special arrangements your partner had made to have one placed in theirs had been done behind your back. They are gone. You don’t even know if you had made it to the top of this hill together but as the numbness fades you realize the ride has simply stopped and you are left alone.
Being stuck up where the air is thin so it is tough to breath is not so bad. Maybe if you stick it out up here for a while you will grow stronger. Has anyone else ever made it to the point you have? Mostly likely. You can take your time to survey the scene below you where all the onlookers were previously so enthralled to see the both of your succeed on and make it to the end of your trip, but you don’t really remember whether anyone was ever watching out for the both of you to succeed in the first place. If they were there, what could they have possibly told the both of you that may have fixed what happened? None of it would have mattered anyway you say to yourself out loud as total lethargy drags you into a barely conscious, zombie-like state. The whole world is dream-like as well when you succumb to numb, zero, nothing, and no air. You just float, gliding around while anything which hits you on the way is welcome and thanked.
Gravity always settles back in. The total human experience always exacts it’s wanted toll and you tumble violently downward, cart off the rails. This though is a beautiful disaster, one with a portrait painted pink and gold explosion that will leave scorched marks and remains for miles. You want everything so meticulously built up around you destroyed because otherwise anything left standing you will knock down yourself. In these after-moments you start to commit to never stop pushing yourself beyond any boundaries you ever thought could be attached to the person you do not yet fully understand. YOU!
Don’t become too selfish. Immense strength and understanding comes from sharing what you have and what you have become with those who seem like they might need it. During a lifetime you will learn to better understand when it is appropriate to ask someone tough questions or give someone a very tough answer right to their face. When you need those things done to you, be humble enough to glean wisdom from those moments. If you ever end up noticing things returning back to the way they were or if someone tries to convince you knowingly or not that you haven’t changed a bit, then the situation has been misread and/ or they are wrong.
Deeply imprinted scars aren’t always tangible but those kinds of marks are vividly real. Those inner tattoos contrast a deep, horrific green and purple across the golds, reds and pinks that life wishes to hand you but you mostly refuse to accept any more. You stare down these colors every day behind your eyes, looking into the mirror, pounding your chest and screaming in your face that you will push forward. There is absolutely no reason to give up because you already lost everything once, maybe more than once.
Foremost the only person you have to prove anything about yourself to is yourself. You might realize that in order to achieve what you wish to, first you need to possess a healthy state of mind (but you can’t always be sure you’re in one, so sometimes it pays to just push forward anyway). After that is taken care of in order to live an even happier life it is your responsibility to make sure the people around you seem to be fine and to help them make progress on their goals. Hopefully not simply as an afterthought you will check to make sure that society as a whole isn’t killing itself.
This philosophy for left-behind lovers is not necessarily a selfish way of living as it is a way to insure more are not dragged through the same hell you survived. The conscious act of re-evaluating all of your thoughts, actions, habits and overall character after suffering a devastating romance related blow is something noble and can feel very enabling. After all the aftermath has settled you just ended up not being the ‘right one’ for someone, correct? Maybe after such a harsh lesson is fully exacted upon you, next time you will end up as the right one, being with the right person for you.